Dear Double Take,
I have a niece -- my sister's daughter -- who is almost 16 years old. She resides with me, my husband and my 2-year-old daughter.
The problem is that we live in a condominium and I feel that my child needs a play area, so I thought it would be a good time to look for a house. The town that we live in is rather expensive for houses, but the school systems are excellent.
My niece doesn't want to move out of this town. She has been living with us for more than a year. My sister's husband won't let her child live with them.
I feel guilty about moving without her; I'm not so sure that I should. Any advice?

EDDIE SAYS

This may be overly simple, but perhaps the answer isn't to move out of town. If it's got good schools, it could be a great place to stay with your daughter. That could also be a benefit for the 16-year-old. She could stay with whatever support network she has and perhaps be in a better environment.

You're doing a good thing by taking care of a family member who seems to need the help. But that doesn't mean it has to be a free ride for her. Insist that she get a job and set a fair rate that she has to pay in rent. She'll learn a valuable lesson, and you'll have some help with those mortgage payments.

ALANA SAYS:

You're letting a 16-year-old's preferences dictate this kind of decision?

Yes, a move would be an adjustment for her. But unless the girl is having some huge problems you haven't shared, she should be able to deal with changing schools -- lots of kids do.

Let your niece know that you consider her part of the family and that you want her to move with you (although I don't really know what other option she would have). Emphasize that the move would probably benefit her, too -- think of the extra space you'd all have! I'd think that would be pretty appealing to a teenager.

In short, this is a decision for you and your husband to make on behalf of your family. Your niece's concerns are duly noted, but they shouldn't make or break the move.

Dear Double Take,
I'm 43, twice divorced with a 6-year-old daughter, of whom I have sole custody and responsibility. I've been dating a 40-year-old guy I met 10 months ago. He has no kids and has never been married. We have been seeing each other exclusively for eight of those 10 months and had even started talking about moving in together.
The problem I have is that he "made a clean break" with me about three weeks ago. He had also started some intense therapy for depression and has now finished that. I missed him terribly and called him to see if we could have lunch one day and he said yes. Since then we've started seeing each other again and talking on the phone nearly every day.
I really enjoy his company and companionship. My daughter loves him, too, and cried when he said good-bye to her. But now that we're back together, he says he "wants to take things one day at a time," and that if I meet anyone else (or if he does), we should let the other person know.
I don't like this feeling of being constantly on the "may be replaced" list. Do you think I should continue seeing this guy or is his original suggestion of "making a clean break" more appropriate?

DOUBLE TAKE Do you disagree with Alana and Eddie's advice? Share Your Thoughts Life Files Archive

ALANA SAYS:

This guy really has it made, doesn't he? He gets to spend as much time as he wants with you, but he has created an "out" for himself, should he change his mind about your relationship.

Sure, he has his own problems, and he's dealing with them. That's great. But you have more to worry about than just helping him through these tough times.

It sounds like he already decided to work through his problems without you, but your willingness to hang on despite any type of commitment has made it pretty easy for things to fall back into that comfortable old routine.

As your gut is telling you, this isn't what a relationship is. And adding a 6-year-old's feelings to the mix makes this kind of instability simply unacceptable. Unless this guy is willing to commit, follow through on that "clean break."

EDDIE SAYS:

It's always nice to be chased. You say, "Go away," and the other person says, "Oh please, please, please let me continue to hang around, even though you're done with me."

Alana's got it right, although I don't think she really catches how desperate you sound. Maybe he is a great guy and you do love him a lot. But he clearly doesn't feel the same way about you.

Maybe the "clean break" could have been a brief period, after which he realized you really are what he wants, needs and hopes for in life. But when it was time to reconcile, the best he could muster was, "Oh, sure, until something better comes along."

Now it's your turn to make the break. And however hard it is, don't look back. You'll find someone who also wants to be with you.

Double Take Archive:

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• Accepting Her Past
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• Is He Worth It?
• Questioning First Love
• Finding Love At Work
• More Than Friends?
• Moving Beyond Friendship
• Working Woman's Blues
• Guy's Gig Irks Girlfriend
• Taming A Boy-Crazy Daughter

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