Dear Double Take, My husband and I got married very young -- I was 18 and he was 20.
We have been married for a little over a year, and I'm pregnant. We were trying for the baby, so it's not unexpected nor unwanted by either of us.But ever since the pregnancy started, we have fought almost every day. Everyone I talk to keeps saying that he's jealous that I'm getting all the attention now due to the baby. Could that really be it? I mean, it's gotten to the point that he has seriously threatened divorce many times.It just seems that everything I do annoys him lately. I know I'm emotional and a little more moody right now, but fighting every day is getting ridiculous. I love him, and I know he loves me, but could it be that he doesn't want to be with me anymore now that I'm having the baby?He says that's not the case, but I'm not sure he would be honest if he feels obligation to stay with a child coming.
EDDIE SAYS:Now that you and your friends have put your combined years of intense study of pop culture to find the cause of his problem, forget your diagnosis.
Maybe it's jealousy, or projecting, or mommy issues or an Electra complex. Whatever it is, don't bring it up with your husband. Either that's not really the cause, or he doesn't realize it is -- in either case, he'd just get defensive about it. (Besides, it's probably just fear over his impending responsibility).
Sometimes, the best way to fix things is just to give him a chance to talk about it. When things are good, just say something like, "Lately, it seems like little things cause fights between us. Is something wrong?" (Notice you don't say, "You've been getting mad," which makes him at fault, and then he'll be like a wounded animal.)
That may be enough to break the tension, to let him unburden himself and to improve things.
ALANA SAYS:Given the combination of your hormonal changes, the impending responsibility of a child and -- yes, I have to say it -- the fact that you're both so young and probably at some level still going through the whole "Who am I, and what do I really want to do with my life?" stage, daily arguments don't really sound too bad.
My point is, there's a lot going on here, and the stress was bound to manifest itself somehow. It actually sounds like the two of you are doing pretty well, given the situation. If you stay honest with each other and take Eddie's advice in how to broach the subject, you'll get through this.
Dear Double Take,I've been with my boyfriend for about six months now. I am German, he is American, in the military and stationed in Germany. We have a great relationship and love each other very much. He will be going to Iraq in November for 1½ years, and by the time he comes back, he will be out of the military and go back to the States.He told me that he will go to college when he's back from Iraq, and I am very proud that he wants to go to college and all ... but what about me? He didn't say anything about what's going to happen with us, and I don't want to ask him because he's giving me the feeling that he already has his life planned and that I'm not included.Should I talk to him? And if yes, what should I say?
ALANA SAYS:After six months into a relationship, it's fair to ask your boyfriend what the future holds.
That doesn't mean he'll have an answer, of course. There's a definite end point to what you have now. His going to Iraq may drastically change him -- hence, it will change your relationship. Even if he promised you an entire future together now, you both may want something entirely different by the time he's heading back to the United States.
My guess is he's not vocally including you in his future plans because he just doesn't know if he'll be ready to make the commitment that would be required to take you with him back to the States ... or if you'll want to wait around for him.
It's something you should certainly discuss. But I'd suggest keeping your options open. Promise to keep in touch while he's in Iraq, and take your relationship one step at a time.
EDDIE SAYS:Do you know what you want things to be like? It's best to figure that out before you bring it up to your soldier boy.
Otherwise, it's like trying to determine where to have dinner: "I don't know ... what do
you want to do?"
That's a joke, but it can be a process of trying to guess what the other person is going to say, or what he wants to hear. That will just slow you down. Figure out how you want things to be (end it? keep in touch and see what happens? be totally committed with a plan to marry later?) and tell him. Then see what he has in mind.
If you agree, great. If not, at least you know where things stand and can make a decision on what to do based on that.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
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