Dear Double Take:My husband and I have been married for eight years. He is a gigantic homebody -- not in a good way, either. He literally wants to lay in front of the TV whenever he sets foot in the house.
I know he is most content in his home. He makes me laugh and wants me to cuddle next to him, but he expects me and our kids (ages 13 and 4) to be content with this all the time.He doesn't help with the day-to-day things that need to be done without throwing a tantrum first and finally helping out -- a little. Whenever I make him go out with me or as a family, it's never enjoyable. He has zero patience in social situations, and there is much tension because everyone is just anticipating when he will fly off the handle.I'm sure it's his way of getting his way -- I can either have a sleepy-eyed, lazy, content husband at home or stressed-out lunatic in public. I could leave him home all the time, but I'm not in a marriage to do things by myself with my kids.He was like that before we married, just not nearly as bad. It's all he wants to do -- unless, of course, he can go golf with his buddies or play on his softball team.Whenever I talk to him about it, his response is, "Are you threatening me?" Yeah, I guess, kinda. I have suggested medication for his anxiety and lack of patience when he goes out, but he looks at me like I'm crazy. He won't even consider it, and it's really bad and very embarrassing.If I go out and get a life of my own, I end up leaving the kids with sloth man. If I take them with me all the time, he wins and gets to roll around on the couch the entire time in lazy bliss. I want him to be a member of this family! Please help.
EDDIE SAYS:
Going potato on the couch with the tube and some quiet. I have to confess that sounds pretty good.
... As a respite. After I complete the chores that I know are part of my responsibility, and as an occassional break from the fun (but constant activity and noise) of kids.
Clearly, your husband doesn't have things in the right order. He wants to eat his dessert before cleaning his plate and go out and play with his friends before doing his homework.
Now, it's your job to make sure your children understand the priorities. Too bad you can't provide a unified front on that issue. And, mostly, it's too bad your husband doesn't understand that he's contributing to raising sluggish, sedentary kids.
It sounds like he really doesn't feel that the things he personally enjoys should be a reward for getting his responsibilities taken care of. That's how life works if one truly wants to appreciate it.
ALANA SAYS: Eddie hit the nail on the head with this one: Your husband is not providing a healthy example for your children.
If you haven't already, you might try starting a conversation with him about this. Ask him what he wants for your kids: Doesn't he want them to be active and healthy? Doesn't he agree that too much TV time is bad for them? Even if you can't convince him all that sitting around isn't good for him, either, maybe centering the issue on the kids will get him thinking.
You could also suggest a more structured approach to household chores. Everyone has their checklist or something, and rewards -- including TV time -- are granted when the chores are done.
As far as the social anxiety goes, it sounds like it might be a bigger problem than you can tackle alone.
Here's a checklist that might help you convince him that maybe he needs help. If it becomes clear it's a real problem and he won't listen to you, enlist the help of his family members or friends.
But given your comment about his eagerness to golf with the guys, it could be just a power play on his part. If that's the case, keep insisting on going out regularly. Reserve one day or evening each week to go out and do something as a family -- maybe you, your husband and the kids can take turns deciding where to go. Perhaps if your husband thinks going out is his idea, he'll be less stressed about it.
Dear Double Take,My husband recently made quite a bit of money doing side jobs -- we'll say a figure of around $10,000.Here is the problem: Our finances have been separate for about eight years now. It all started early in our marriage when he went out and got his own account. Then he wanted me to work, so I have, and now I have my own account. He makes sure to have "his" and "hers," right down to the cars, the house payment, etc. Everything has been separated.When I tell him how this makes me feel, and that I don't want to be a "roomie," he consents but then never follows through.We have been together for 13 years, and as of last year, I found out he was gambling a large amount of money -- sometimes $1,000 or more a day. I brought it to his attention that I knew, and he resolved that he would quit. This past month, I got his bank statement and opened it and saw that he had lost/spent more than $16,000 this month alone.I don't know how to change things, or if he ever will. I am resentful that I am frugal with my money and find myself paying more and more of the bills because he is broke. I know he is constantly lying to me to cover his losses. I am frantic. I love this man, but am I a total fool?
ALANA SAYS:
That kind of gambling is nothing to sneeze at -- it could be a serious problem. Although we're only getting a snapshot of the problem, that's a lot of money to be gaining and losing.
Your husband obviously values his privacy when it comes to finances, but you're right: You're a married couple. You have every right to know if he's having financial trouble or successes.
You said he consents when you argue about having separate accounts. I'd start with that. Suggest sitting down and going over all of your finances together to figure out a game plan. But be warned: If he's a gambling addict, pooling your finances is the worst way to go. It would only put your money at risk of being gambled away, too.
Talk to your husband about your concerns. Urge him to seek professional help if it becomes apparent that he's in over his head. The resources to the left might offer more help.
EDDIE SAYS:I'm always stunned when married people don't just share their money.
How does that work if you're building a life together? Is one person going to end up with enough for a retirement home on the beach, lounging with a cocktail -- while the other tags along and has to fetch those fruity concoctions for tourists in order to pay rent?
Your husband highlights another problem: Separate finances facilitates big-time coverups like the one he's been running. While you now may need to keep a personal account for your own protection, that might not be a problem for people who blend their wealth (and debt) from the outset, because you can keep an eye on each other.
Alana's given you some good advice to move toward fixing your family; I just hope others will be fully aware of the pitfalls of playing "that's mine, this is yours" with those they plan to be with forever.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
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Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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