Dear Double Take,
My sister disowned me five years ago after my husband entered an alcohol treatment program. He's been sober for all five years, and she still doesn't speak to me. In the past three years, her daughters got married, and they asked our children to be in the weddings. My husband and I were told by my sister that we were not welcome. We allowed our sons and daughters to participate because we felt it was supportive of our nieces. They apologized for their mother and told us they wished we could come.Things did not improve by staying away from these special events, and she has not come around even after seeing my husband is sober and a good husband and father. Now, my children are young adults, and I am afraid of what she will do to undermine their relationships with us and with each other. We have tried not to talk negatively about their aunt, but she meddles in family matters with my other sister and my brother and has caused some serious problems. I don't know why none of us can stand up to her, but we don't.How do we protect our children, and how do my other siblings protect their own families from someone who is so intent on destroying family ties?
ALANA SAYS:Speaking in such a general sense, it's hard to get a real picture of how she's working to "destroy family ties."
I'm also a little unclear as to why and how you think your children are at risk. If your sister avoids you as much as you say, you probably aren't around each other very often -- and it would stand to reason that your kids aren't around her much, either.
If you're genuinely concerned about your sister's influence over your nearly grown children, just be honest with them. Give your kids the details about why your sister is avoiding you and why you're concerned.
It's hard to believe she's mad at you and your husband for no apparent reason, but if that's really the case -- what do you have to lose by standing up to her? Although in the scenarios you outlined, that probably wouldn't do much good; she still wouldn't have invited you to her kids' wedding.
It doesn't sound like, despite your best efforts, your sister is going to warm up anytime soon. If I were you, I'd accept her feelings and simply move on.
EDDIE SAYS:Alana's right: If your kids are old enough to go to weddings by themselves, they're old enough to hear some truths about their aunt. Surely they know something is odd, since you've had to miss family events.
I'm not sure if you need a big confrontation at this point. Just don't let one problem person keep you away from other events. Weddings of her kids she has some control over, but any other family events are neutral zones. If you're invited, go. If she'll get past her prejudices and past slights, great. If not, it sounds like you've got a good-sized family. Just concentrate on them.
She'll come around, or she won't. Don't let it spoil your fun.
Dear Double Take,My boyfriend and I have been together for six years. He is 62, and I'm 55. We both go to church. We have both been divorced and have grown-up children who no longer live with us.After I finish work, I always go to his place, but when it's bedtime, I come back to my own apartment. We do have sex, but the reason for not staying overnight is to respect his children. They don't even live with him.He had never popped the question, so I asked if he would marry me. He says he loves me so much, but he is not interested.I'm really hurt about his attitude. My friends advised me we should stop seeing each other for a while, just to see if we can do without each other. I told him that, even though I love him so much. He said, "Maybe we should."Please help me.
EDDIE SAYS:You stumbled into one of the classic relationship traps: You made a demand or asked a question when you weren't prepared for the answer.
Hope made you think that he would say, "Time apart? NOOOO! Marry me right this instant so we never have to be away from each other for a moment."
But it turns out he'd been honest with you before. He likes what you have, maybe even really likes it, but he's either not in love with you (in that way) or just doesn't want to get married again.
He's done all you can expect -- he's been honest with you. If what he can offer isn't enough for you, then you need to make the right decision for yourself and move on to someone else who might.
Before you do that, though, weigh carefully the things he gives you against nights in his bedroom.
ALANA SAYS: It sounds like you're in two different spots here. You want more from this relationship, and he doesn't -- and, in fact, he might want less.
You have "respected his children" for six years by not sleeping over at this guy's house ... which makes it sound like he has quite a bit of pull in this relationship. I'm guessing he has his reasons for this, and you must have accepted them, since you're still putting up with it.
And he probably has good reasons for not wanting to get married; it's definitely best that he doesn't humor you if he really doesn't want to. But that also means that this relationship isn't going to move any farther along -- ever. You might ask yourself if you can really be happy with that.
However, as Eddie suggested, don't give him an ultimatum unless you're ready to hear the real answer.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana only offer advice to the letters that are chosen for publication.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
Double Take Archive: 
More Archives ... Copyright 2008, Internet Broadcasting. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.
The story Unforgiving Sister is provided by LifeWhile.
