Dear Double Take, I have a 10-year-old nephew with Down Syndrome whom I love very much. He has a younger sister, my niece, who is 8. I understand he has special needs, but my concern is for his younger sister.
I find quite often she sacrifices things she would like to have or do for her brother. For example, I have a 10-year-old daughter who is very close to my niece. She has often asked for my niece to sleep over or do things with us but is often told no because it would upset her brother. Although my niece, who is one of the most compassionate and caring children I have ever known, never complains, I think she is missing out on doing things little girls love to avoid conflict with her brother.Another example: The children were getting new beds. My niece wanted a loft bed similar to my daughter's. She has a small bedroom and I find them to be very helpful in utilizing space. My sister-in-law took this in to consideration but decided against it because she was afraid my nephew would want to be in there climbing on it and it would cause an issue. She rejected the idea of getting him the same bed for a valid reason, that it would be a safety issue for him.My question is, is it just me, or is my niece missing out to keep her brother happy? It almost seems that she can not do anything unless it is OK with her brother. I believe there is a possibility that my niece will eventually resent her brother. And if this is the case, how do I go about bringing up my concern to my sister-in-law, who is a very compassionate person and with whom I'm very close? I don't think she even realizes that this happens. Is it not my place?
ALANA SAYS: It's considerate for you to be concerned about your niece, but you raise a good question: Is it your place to question your sister-in-law's parenting decisions?
I think that, if you are indeed close with your sister-in-law, there's no harm in making note -- casually -- that it's too bad your niece is missing out on a sleepover or something similar. But some of that is going to be inevitable -- like the bed example you gave.
However, perhaps your niece isn't really feeling like she's missing out. And maybe there are more reasons behind your sister-in-law's decisions than you know about. If you make a comment about your concerns and she shuts you down, that's your hint to leave it alone.
Keep inviting your niece to do fun things with your daughter -- but your sister-in-law is the parent, and you have to respect her decisions.
EDDIE SAYS:Some parents filter all their decisions about their kids through a prism of what they read in magazines, or what others might say, or what their general philosophy on the world is.
Other parents aren't as thoughtful. It sounds like your sister-in-law thinks about what she's doing, but even those of us who try to be self-critical can miss an angle.
It can help to have an outsider shed some light on the situation -- as long as that enlightenment comes in warm and soft tones.
Point out that everyone -- especially those dealing with a child who requires special care -- needs a time to step out of the shadow of their responsibilities. That means mom needs some time herself; so does your niece, who sounds like she reflects her mother's sense of duty and sacrifice.
And that's a great instinct. But when people don't take care of themselves, they burn out.
Dear Double Take,I have a 13-year-old son who will be starting his freshman year. I also have a 10-year-old daughter.Why is my daughter's personality so different from my son's?My son is outgoing and independent. He talks to both my husband and myself. He's so open.My daughter, on the other hand, is quiet and all to herself. She spends a lot of time in her room listening to music or just watching TV. She doesn't like to associate with everyone else.When my husband and I try to talk to her, she seems distant and bored. What can we do as parents to help her open up a little more? I try to spend time with her, but even when it's just the two of us going for a drive or something, she has earplugs on with music blaring out of her CD player.
ALANA SAYS: Kids are just different -- plain and simple. So your daughter likes alone time; some people do. But you're right. The lines of communication should be opened if at all possible.
I'm one of seven children, and as my parents always liked to say, "We used the same recipe every time, but you each turned out different." It used to gross me out, but it's true. For instance, my oldest sister was very rebellious as a teenager, had some self-esteem issues and got herself into all kinds of trouble. But oldest brother, who is only 11 months younger, was voted homecoming king and never took a sip of alcohol in high school.
Why? I can only guess that it's a matter of nature
and nurture. The characteristics of and interplay between siblings can influence their personalities in one way or another.
In this case, perhaps your daughter views your son as the "favorite" and resents it -- thus withdraws. Or maybe she's just into her teenage sullenness phase a couple years early.
In any case, you can't expect to have the same relationship with her as you do with your son; she's a different person with a different disposition. Sure, ask questions and try to keep the dialogue going. But if she doesn't want to tell you every detail of her day, don't push it -- you'll just driver her further into her shell.
EDDIE SAYS:You need to rip those headphones off her melon and demand that she hold a conversation with you, whether she wants to or not.
Be sure to scream, "ARE YOU ON DRUGS?!?"
I mention that as a joke, the approach that a frustrated mom might resort to, despite her best intentions. You, clearly, know that it's going to take more delicacy and patience if you want to succeed.
Spending time in the car can work, but it doesn't give you much ground to try to gain purchase to start conversation. "What do you think, honey? Change lanes or not?" probably won't get you much more than an eyeroll and a "Whatever."
Is there anything you have in common? Some activity or hobby -- concert, art fair, sports event -- that you could go to? What you're looking for is something that you can chat about.
She'll think you're just talking about the thing, not actually talking to her boring old mother who just doesn't get it. Underneath it all, though, you'll convince her that you're not so bad, and keep an open path for more important chatter later.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view, one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to less than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana only offer advice to the letters that are chosen for publication.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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