Dear Double Take, I feel very attracted to a guy at work. We are both in our early 30s and both single. The problem is that even though we go out quite often together, he has not made a move to touch me or kiss me.While we are at work, he often makes an effort to make eye contact, smile at me or generally flirt. Whenever he does something for me (we have to work together as a team), he comments on how I can "repay" him. We are permanently flirting. If I let him know that I am at some cafe having a drink, he will come there just to say hi.Even though the door is wide open for him to move in, he never does. I do not want to tell him how I feel in the fear of embarrassing myself and making a big blunder. Is there any way to test how he really feels?I doubt if he will come out and say anything, because this has carried on for almost a year now. Please let me know what to make of it.
EDDIE SAYS:Somewhere in your town, this conversation is taking place, probably over a couple beers:
"I don't know, man. I think she likes me, and she always invites me places. But she's never really made a move. If she wanted something more than buddies, she would have told me by now, right? Girls love to talk about their feelings. I guess she just thinks of me as a friend. I'd tell her, but I don't want to be embarrassed."
You know who that is, right? Your work buddy. If you have made the effort to develop a basic social skill set, you probably know whether he's interested. It sounds like he is. But he doesn't want to be rejected, or doesn't want things to be awkward if his profession sideswipes you.
Someone needs to break this impasse. That means
actually saying something. Get him out of the office -- and you already know he comes to casual things when you ask -- and tell him that you think there's something more there, and you need to decide what to do about it.
Could he be surprised? Sure. Could he feel differently? Perhaps. Could it be awkward at the next staff meeting. No doubt.
But if you think it could be something special, then a risk-analysis shows you need to make your pitch before the opportunity passes.
ALANA SAYS: If he's single and you're single, and you've been flirting for a year -- and you do things outside of work now and then -- you're about a toenail away from actually dating. The only step left is to acknowledge your relationship ... whatever that may be.
It doesn't have to be a serious sitdown where you discuss "Your Relationship" -- at least not until you're sure there is one. But you could take the step of asking him out on a real date. Make it clear that it'll just be the two of you, and be sure you even use the word "date" so it's clear what your intentions are. After you've gone out once or twice, then you can have that talk about where this relationship is heading.
But if by some stretch of the imagination he isn't interested, he has an easy out. If he declines your invitation (and doesn't want to reschedule), that's a pretty good signal that flirting is all he's interested in doing.
Dating a coworker can be tricky business, and it isn't something you want to enter lightly. If there's hesitation on either end, that's completely understandable. But as Eddie suggests, that chance of awkwardness will be totally worth it if you're meant to be.
Dear Double Take,I've been dating a married man for two months. I just found out he was married. He asked me if I still wanted to see him, because he still liked me and he doesn't even sleep with his wife and he doesn't talk to her for weeks at a time.I know I can't see him, and I know he is a jerk and a liar, but I've already grown to like and appreciate him. I told him what a jerk he was and how unfair he had been to me. I told him that the worst part about the whole thing is that he didn't even allow me to decide if I wanted to be involved with a married man, because he lied to me about his situation. I can't understand how he could do this to me after I've been so honest and kind to him.I told him that and all he said was sorry, but it seems like such a cop out. I told him that I never wanted to talk to him again as long as he was married to someone else. He said OK, but then he e-mailed me this morning to tell me to have a good day, like he does every morning, as if nothing happened. I'm feeling very confused. I just need advice on how to get over this.
ALANA SAYS: You are completely justified in feeling betrayed -- in a number of ways. It always sucks when a guy isn't honest with you about something, but this is a HUGE lie. And two months is way too long to keep this kind of information from you.
Even if you did reconcile yourself to the fact that he's married, and even if you decided you didn't mind being the "other woman," he still lied to you -- big time. How can you overcome that breach of trust?
You were right to give him the boot. The tough part will be sticking to your guns.
EDDIE SAYS:The first step to getting over him is printing out the letter you wrote to us and keeping a copy of it with you at all times (though you might want to change the part about how you like and appreciate him to lik
ed and appreciat
ed. Highlight the part where he doesn't respect you, deceived you intentionally from the get-go and can't be trusted at all.
When he e-mails, delete it. When you see his number on your caller ID, ignore it (and delete any messages). When you know someone well and intimately, it's easy to know how to play up the good, and pull on heartstrings -- which he's already trying with the "My wife doesn't understand me, boo hoo" act.
Getting over someone is never easy, especially when you put your heart into it.
Just remember this: He never was the man you thought, and he never cared about your heart.
Do you need a second -- and third -- opinion about a problem in your life? Ask Double Take and you'll get two points of view: one from Eddie, a married family man in his early 30s, and one from Alana, a single woman in her 20s.E-mail questions to
doubletake@ibsys.com. A new column is published every other Tuesday.
To be considered for publication, please keep letters to fewer than 300 words. If you feel more background information is needed, consider adding it as a postscript. Because of the volume of the mail received, Eddie and Alana offer advice only to the letters that are chosen for publication.
Double Take writers are not trained psychologists and their responses should not be taken as a substitute for professional advice. Double Take reserves the right to edit submissions.
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