Dear Double Take,
My boyfriend and I have been together for almost five years. I have three children, ages 7, 11 and 13, from a previous marriage; he has none.
For the most part we all mesh well together, except over one thing: a dog.
Two years ago, my oldest dragged home the cutest border collie mix puppy. As my boyfriend has an old dog, I thought this would be perfect for my kids. He didn't think so.
After a few days, the puppy grew on him and we kept her. I paid for all her vet bills, and we split the cost of food for the dogs. When she was eight months old, she went into heat -- two weeks before her appointment to get spayed.
One thing led to another, she ended up on a chain outside, and ended up pregnant. Several appointments and $600 later -- which he would not help with -- she had one puppy. Two months later, my boyfriend informed me we are keeping the puppy.
I was upset, but I eventually agreed. Then she started biting. Now, a year later, she has bitten five kids -- two of my own -- and one kid twice. But my boyfriend refuses to get rid of her. He told me that if I make him get rid of her, he will resent me!
I'm afraid that this dog is going to do some serious damage to some child and cost us financially. What can or should I do, short of uprooting my children and moving out?

EDDIE SAYS:

If you think that you need to keep the playful and/or viscious offspring around, then you should give a yelp to a qualified dog trainer. I'm not sure how much work or expense it would take to bring the pup into proper socialization, but an expert could tell you.

Getting your canine to lose her taste for human flesh isn't why you wrote to us, though. You want some better human behavior.

While you can't expect him to respond immediately to your every command just to get a bit of kibble or a rub on the belly, there are things you can improve about your working relationship.

One thing that seems unclear to your boyfriend is that he isn't your master and can't really just make decisions on his own. They need to be discussed. Clearly, though, he's got manipulative tools that beat any set of puppy eyes: Telling you he'll resent you is pretty serious.

You need to find a compromise to propose. Maybe you can keep the dog, but she has to stay outside, and has to have a muzzle on whenever she's not eating. (A more cynical person might suggest that sort of onerous stipulation will lead him decide to just find a good home for her, which is what you want in the first place.)

ALANA SAYS:

First things first: I'm not a dog person. That said, I don't think the biggest of dog lovers would allow a biting dog around kids.

They're your children -- not your boyfriend's. It's your job to protect them. A little puppy bite might not seem like a big deal, but as you said, this could lead to something more serious.

Keeping a biting dog around your children is not your boyfriend's decision. Open the discussion again, call him out on his manipulation -- and get rid of the dog.

Dear Double Take,
I had been dating my boyfriend for about two years before we moved in together. Up until that time, everything was going well between him and my family. After about 6 months of sharing an apartment, my boyfriend became agitated and jealous, and he eventually became physical with me during several arguments. This violent trend continued for about three months until I moved out and to another city. I didn't tell my family what was going on until after we broke up.
About six months after I moved away, my ex moved to the same city for completely legitimate business reasons. We never saw each other at first, but over the course of a year, we've mended our friendship and have begun dating again. The problem is that my family is dead-set against him, and even though we've both been through therapy for what happened, my family doesn't want me to have any interaction with him.
I've been keeping our relationship a secret, but it's eating at me much the same as when I was keeping his abusive behavior a secret. Can we possibly move on from what happened between us? And how can I talk to my family about this?

ALANA SAYS:

There are a lot of people who would say: Don't do it. Stay away from the guy. Once abusive, always abusive.

However, I don't have the life experience to back up the naysayers, and I like to believe people can change -- and that almost everyone deserves a second chance. To that end, if you really think you want to be serious with this guy again, you're doing all the right things: taking it slowly, going through therapy, etc.

And you certainly can't blame your family for wanting to protect you from abuse. Even so, you shouldn't keep this a secret. Sure, they'll be angry for a while, but only because they love you so much. Assure them that you're being smart about this relationship and that you would never stay if it turned abusive again.

Perhaps, over time, if things remain serious with you and your boyfriend, your family will accept him once again.

EDDIE SAYS:

You're doing something that, on its face, seems pretty stupid.

The good thing is, you know it. So you're taking cautious steps and it sounds like being as smart as you can be (though I have to admit I get nervous just thinking about it).

Your family, naturally, will feel the same way. But look at what it took for you to get over it: You moved away, and 18 months after that, after probably a lot of worrying and thinking and talking, you made peace with this decision.

What you have to realize is that your family, when you do get around to telling them, has to start that process well behind your progress on the coming-to-grips calendar.

Since it sounds stable now, tell them now. Maybe they'll come around, maybe not -- assuming he really has changed, or just made a few huge mistakes.

Just don't expect your family to warm to him quickly. If you're still having problems with them in three years, let us know.