Dear Double Take,
I have an 11-year-old son who is very close to my mother. The benefits of the relationship far outweigh the negatives. We live on the same street.
But often, my son will not get his way and will call my mother to talk to me. I have tried talking to both of them separately. In the heat of an argument, he will run to her house. My mother feels he needs her to feel accepted.
My parents were very strict and did not tolerate the bad behavior he exhibits. There doesn't seem to be a punishment or incentive to stop this cycle. Any ideas?

ALANA SAYS:

It's one thing for Grandma to show support and be a listening ear for your son. It's an entirely other matter for her to butt into your parenting.

I'm sure she has the best of intentions, but the truth is, she is butting in -- and it needs to stop.

Your son is using your mom against you. This isn't an innocent game -- he's manipulating you both. You and your mother need to come to an arrangement and stand firm together against your son.

You said you've tried talking to your mother to no avail. If that's the case, and you feel another conversation won't do any good, then simply don't let her get involved. Refuse to talk to her when your son calls her to talk to you. Don't argue with her about the punishments you dole out. You're the parent, and what you say goes.

If you stand firm on your punishments, regardless of your mother's attempted interference, your son will likely get the message that his manipulation is no longer effective.

EDDIE SAYS:

Alana's got great advice on how to handle your mother. Just be sure to talk to her sometime when no issue is boiling over. When your boy is away, have a chat about how things need to work.

My daughter is at the age where she's tried similar tactics, asking one parent for permission, then going to the other when she didn't like the answer. That's basically what your son is doing.

And the same advice for your mother goes for him. Some time when you're not fighting, explain to him that while grammy is an important part of his life, you are the mom and what you say goes. Tell him that going around you to try to settle a fight is a violation of your rules and will result in more punishment.

It will sting everyone for a while, I'm sure. But getting the chain of command straightened out will make everyone happier in the long run.

Dear Double Take,
I am a single parent of a 4-year-old son. When he was 6 months old, I began a relationship with a man whom I dated since then. We recently ended the relationship.
My son considered this man to be his father. Since the split, my son has been acting differently. He challenges my authority, doesn't listen, laughs at me when I try to discipline him -- he just doesn't give any attention to what I ask or tell him to do.
I am not a parent who believes in physical discipline, but I have swatted his back end a few times to get the point across, hoping something would have an affect.
I understand that this is most likely part of the change of environment and understand that time is needed for him to adjust and work through the feelings he may be having. At age 4, he probably doesn't fully understand yet.
I just don't know how to effectively work through this with him and establish a better sense of authority within him. Any suggestions?

EDDIE SAYS:

Many parents allow themselves to lose authority over their kids. They struggle to enforce discipline because they have other things to do, because they don't like being the bad guy or they pull out many other excuses.

Yours, right now, is your breakup, which I'm sure is affecting you. My training in psychology ended with a freshman-level survey, but it seems that you're projecting your hurt or confused feelings about the relationship's end onto your child.

Things are different for him, no doubt, but I don't think that's why he's acting up. Challenging authority, seeing what you can get away with and pushing the limits are pretty typical for little guys.

Your behavior doesn't need change because of your dating situation. Do the things you know good parents do: Stick to what you say. When you give him a choice ("Do this, or get punished") and he doesn't take care of it, follow through with the punishment. When he doesn't listen, take something away.

Of course, you also praise and reward positive behavior, and know that results won't be overnight. But if you can handle whatever sounds of frustration he makes, you'll both be much happier in the long run.

And your next boyfriend won't be scared off by an unruly monster.

ALANA SAYS:

As Eddie said, establishing authority over your son really comes down to sticking to your guns when doling out punishments. When he laughs in your face, he gets a timeout or loses a toy.

It isn't going to be easy. You haven't really been a single parent since your son was an infant. This is a huge change for you, but you have to rise to the challenge -- now.

You might also seek other single parents and trade parenting stories and ideas with them -- as well as get some support for yourself.